the true identity of a turtle...

There are many horrible feelings that exist and many that can far surpass the one that I am about to discuss but one of the most disappointing feelings that one can experience is not being known, even amongst a group of people that you have known (or been acquainted with) for quite some time.


For those who know me well, they know me as someone who is very outgoing, sometimes a bit spazzy, passionate, loving, bold, maybe even a bit too dominate at times but also sometimes very deep and internal.  My heart breaks at injustices and my passions lead to great debates and controversial conversations.  I am spontaneous, but very structured and organized, I am adventurous and a bit of an adrenaline junky but am very fearful of some of the challenges that I place before myself to overcome.  I am almost always willing to go out of my way to help, talk with, and be there for those i love and care about (maybe even more than what i should be at times) but also overwhelm myself with the many many things that I 'sign up' to do.  I love to be busy but I make myself so busy that I almost forget to breath!  I love culture, language, travelling, doing new things, meeting new people and my heart breaks for the suffering and emptiness of mankind...


Now for those who don't truly know me, they see me as a very quiet, awkward, shy, withheld individual who occasionally says some awkward , unwarranted comment along the side.  They see me as someone with very little passion and zest and with little personality at all.


For my friends and family who know me well, they are always very surprised to see just how quiet and withheld i become amongst those I do not know well or in new situations and when someone first meets me they are quite surprised (later) to see how different I actually am compared with their first 'shy' impression of me.


I am not one hundred percent sure why it takes me so long to truly open up and be myself.  I feel kind of like a turtle who only pokes his head out (slowly) once he knows for sure it is safe to do so and sometimes, with some people or in some places, it never does feel safe.  I guess it may be a privilege to know the deeper layer of me, past the quiet outer composure but the worst feeling is when you are stuck inside your shell for an extended amount of time.  It feels almost like a prison.  I may have moments with certain people where I extend my head and heart out of that shell but just as quickly I am stuck back inside that claustrophobic, stuffy, dark shell unable to breath because the most important and vibrant parts of who I am are being tucked away and hidden from everyone around me.


It is so sad when you have people who have known you for so long thinking that you are this quiet, totally submissive little girl when in reality being submissive is something that you have struggled with and wish you could be a little bit more of.  I am so thankful for those friends I have that become like an oasis where I can come out, even if just temporarily, to breath and open up as it is such a lonely feeling being stuck inside yourself...

a moment...not fully captured

so today, after a full day of teaching, i stood in the open balcony-like hallway of the Hong Kong school I have been teaching at this week and looked out across the area and onto the beautiful mountains that surround this vast city.  I was astounded by the beautiful bright green colour that the mountains were appearing in today, as the humidity (and maybe smog) were lower today, made the mountains appear much closer and clearer, instead of so misty and distant.  As I looked out, amazed and captured by this scene of such deep and inexplicable beauty, i went and got my camera, in hopes of being able to capture this moment, image, and maybe even feeling on my camera, but to my great dismay I could not nearly encompass the great beauty that i saw before my eyes in the screen of my camera.  The colours were just so bright and clear and vibrant but each picture that i took only showed a faded, distant picture of some far off mountains and for some reason, today, this really bothered me.

The other day, I was reflecting about what it means to take a picture and why it is that I always take so many pictures and feel so lost without my camera.  I came to the conclusion that for me, taking pictures is not just about capturing what I see before me but is also about capturing what I feel around me as I look at this beautiful picture or scene painted before my eyes.  To be able to share just that intense emotions and 'gasp for air' , 'take your breath away' moment with someone else, even though they may not ever be able to see the scene or be in that place themselves would be a dream come true, as well as to be able to personally relive those moments myself; again and again and again.

As i stood there looking out at the unfathomable beauty before my eyes, and expressing my great frustration in the fact that i could not adequately display it, I was talking about my camera and how it was the problem and one of my fellow teachers spoke up stating something so true: 'there is always a better camera, theres always another lens'.  This really helped me to put things into perspective; God's creation cannot ever truly be fully explained, captured in it's full essence, appreciated for all that it is or respected for all the it is worth.  If it could be, then would we truly be as in awe and reverence to God as what we are in knowing just how inexpressible His glory and works truly are? ...They are so much more than what words or pictures or actions or thoughts or even feelings could ever capture, even all combined together as one.

Home

So I have been home for five days now; back in the beautiful Ontario. From wide open fields and no time to do anything but drown myself in school work to almost nothing to do but spend time with family, go for walks and read to keep myself entertained. 

This past year at college has been so challenging for me!  I have experienced great loss of close friends as we have gone through times of separation in distance and in spirit, I have been physically, spiritually, academically and emotionally exhausted throughout almost the whole time but yet I have learned and grown so much!  Also, I have always considered myself to have the blessing of being able to be away from a very closely knit family for long periods of time without any struggles at all, until in the fall my family adopted my little sister who is almost 2 years old.  This has presented me with new struggles in wanting to get to know her better and wanting her to know me when I am so far away from home most of the year.

Now!  this past month or so, I have been so overwhelmed with so much to do that I have been longing for the day that i finally would get to go home and just be able to stop and breath for a little while!  Looking back, only a few days ago to my drive to the airport and the beautiful skies and flooded fields on either side of me, I had an unusual amount of peace and calmness with me.  I love flying but usually on my drives to the airport, my stomach is turning and is full of butterflies because I just don`t fully know what to expect I guess, and this time, I barely had that feeling at all!  Not that it`s not a good feeling but it wasn`t so much the normal excited, adrenaline rush feeling; it was a calm and peace filled feeling of being able to finally let go and breath again.  Even on the plane, with the turbulence and all, I was so calm and relaxed;  a peace I very rarely feel (especially while flying!).

This peace gave me a sense of certainty in the many great uncertainties that this summer comes with: the certainty that there are great things to be unfolded this summer.  Although I may be walking into an area of gray, I know that the things I don`t see yet are things that I can trust are good.

Upon my arrival at the airport, I was greeted by the smiling face of my brother on the other side of the baggage claim room and shortly after my youngest brothers hug, my mom, dad and new little sister, who is just learning to talk shouting my name and wanting to hold my hand as we frantically tried to make our way to the parking lot.

Right now, I am firstly trying to learn to slow down and to stop worrying so much about everything and let what happens happen.  I am also trying to prepare myself for my soon endeavors to and in China later this summer!

I am excited to see where this summer season takes me as I continue to learn to trust and relax :)

Waves of Time come crashing in...

So lately, I've been looking back a lot on my high school days and reading over conversations that I have had and pictures that were taken. I remember in those days thinking to myself about how much drama and stress there was and about how much i couldn't wait to move on with my life; to move forward. I first of all remember feeling so overloaded with work and thinking it was so hard and now I can truly look back and laugh at how little was actually expected of me. I can look back and see the little 'dramas' that would take place with my friends and I and see that they also haven't disappeared but also have only grown to be more difficult in content and depth. I look back and although I truly have so far to go, I can see so much growth since then. I remember how I used to think and feel about the world and people around me. I was so selfish and righteous and thought that I was about reprimand, but yet I was so naive and so ignorant in reality. I remember all of the 'nevers' that i spoke against myself...saying: 'I will never..this and never..that' and how I looked at certain close friends of mine, whom I thought I had an eye of love towards, with such an eye of judgment and condemnation. I thought I knew what life was about but yet I had truly never lived. what a hypocrite! and yet the people I loved the most were suffering so much and valued so deeply what I said to them and the advice that I gave to them.
I guess these are times that we must go through so that we can look back at them and learn from them and improve ourselves. One piece of insight that I have gained from looking into my 'high school thoughts and years' is the value in believing in people. Truly believing in them and trusting that despite the ways in which they fail and have failed, they will make it through and are capable of living lives of great power and insight.
I can also look back and see many admirable things about myself that used to come so easy for me which now I have to work for and struggle with to continue steadfast in, such as my faith. I used to be 'unmovable' and never swaying in my constant passion and zest...and maybe that was pride just as much as it may have been a blessing but I do miss that determination that I once so energetically had.
Time has such a way of smoothing out the rough edges and curving us into the people we are and will become. As one wave moves in and crashes onto a rocky shore and just as quickly is pulled back out into the sea, we yearn for those waves to return to us and we ache when they leave but with each wave that goes out another one will come crashing back; continuing to smooth and shape us into whom we are meant to be. It's learning to be patient and enduring of these waves and the process of 'give and take' that we need to learn to live with and accept...

A Frozen Heart

Last night I decided to take a walk just so i could recollect my thoughts. It's finally starting to get a little warmer out and the darkness around me feels like a warm blanket of solitude which allows me to think and think clearly. I circled most of the town and came back and walked into the enclosed area of crunchy snow that only a few weeks ago was an outdoor ice rink. After taking only a few steps into the ice rink I saw something on the ground that caught my eye. It was a leaf, of some sort, shaped like a heart, and sunk into the snow a bit. I went to pick it up and see the design that it left in the snow but soon realized that it was frozen into the snow and former ice. That leaf kind of reminds me of how I feel right now. I have been here so long standing still in a world that is frozen all around me that I can't move; nestled tightly into the ice and coldness thats all around me. I think that this is the stage and place that alot of people here are in right now. There is, and has been so much noise and clatter around us for so long now and as it has all started to quiet down we are some how frozen there where we landed. There is so much bustle and activity that people don't seem to know who they are anymore and those around them have trouble defining it as well. So many friends of mine seem like empty vessels right now. I see no life or deed within them; only a faint image of who and what they used to be. Now we all seem like hearts frozen in the dark, cold winter ice. As I reflect on this, i think once again back to the leaf and how it is quite possible that it may not have even been visible a month ago, possibly covered in layers of ice and snow and although it is still forced to remain there, it is once again visible, which is a start. Spring is coming and with that, hearts un-thaw and personalities return to their former possessors. This is my prayer for us here, in a quiet university in the middle of Saskatchewan, that with the spring and warmth, so our hearts will be warmed and life and energy return to each of us.

Time

It's really crazy how fast time goes by. It has been a year since I have actually thought about this blog site, A whole sememster of college and a summer and fall have gone by. friends have changed, family has expanded and I am back at the same college in the same room, on the same bed but with a new roommate (who has the same name as my last one). It's amazing to look back and see how much I have overcome in the last year since first leaving for college. There has been so much pain to overcome and so much hurt to forgive and so many people to meet and relationships to build and insecurities to overcome. When I first started the long (three day drive) out to the college with my family, I had just finished spending a year at home working and spent an extended summer back in an old, unofficial relationship which had been going on (and off) for way too long. When I left, I told myself that I was leaving it all behind me and I tried only to find that people are so quick to forget about me and abandon any hope that may have been. (which may have been just what I needed). In March I officially ended this relationship that had unofficially caused so much hurt and confusion for so long and it felt so good to know something about it for sure: it was over and I finally had a sense of stability in it.
Coming home for the summer re-opened great wounds that I had been carrying still but it also helped me to be able to close them once and for all. it reminded me of the book the shack and having to go back and look the painful places and people in the eyes to be able to see them for what theyre really worth. So much had also changed in my friends, or maybe in me and it just wasnt the same joy to be around them anymore, i was dissatisfied with them. I felt lonely but also experienced many new things and built on relationbships that had long been overdue to develop.
Now here we are half way through November, the miracle month, as they call it, and I am once again trying to survive it. The dynamics at this place are so much different than last year, no one is as connected with eachother as we were last year, our friendships have become distant and I hate it! Life seems all the more busy, which is only because I have been taking on more and more but not less lonely than before. I am so blessed with amazing close friends and new friendships developping but am still praying also for God to move in bigger ways in us all.
I have been praying that God would move in me in new ways and even took some brave steps and made some bold commitments to Him and have seen the affects of that. when you ask God to move and change you, He will and it's good but a thick road to walk on. May He start a revival and may He start it in me.