The gloom of winter...

If there is one thing that I can’t bring myself to understand, it is how a place filled with sunlight and fall leaves can go from this to a full blown, frozen darkness overnight.  Where I am from, the first snow always seems to be light and fluffy; the grass is still green beneath it, the ground still soft and only a short while after it is as if it never snowed at all…. Where I am from winter seems so much more gradual and one can accommodate themselves to it.

            But here, when it starts snowing, it’s a blizzard, and massive snow drifts.   When it starts snowing here it is cold and windy and everything is covered and consumed overnight.  There is no time to say ‘good bye’ to the fall or to the sun; cold darkness seems to consume the entire place immediately.  There is no gradual change; it goes from warmth and sun to cold and dry with no state of transition. 

            Yesterday afternoon, I was walking in the sun and looking at the glowing fall leaves and kicking dirt as I dragged my feet and today the entirety of the ground is frozen solid and icy.  The leaves and grass are not just covered by flattened by the snow.  It is as if everything has been covered and suffocated; it is like some dark force has decided to take the joys and beauties of this world and wrap them in a cold and icy layer of darkness. 

I may sound slightly dramatic and summer-biased in my words right now but I just have this image in my head of this dark hand hovering over, and touching everything in its path with a sickly virus that spreads quickly to the core and this virus is not only over the things that I love (like trees and plants and dirt and grass and the sun etc.) but it is also falling heavily over me right now.

I have never liked winter or really cared for snow (other then on the odd occasion that I can appreciate it’s white sparkles gleaming in the sun)  but, I don’t ever remember feeling so consumed and overwhelmed by it’s darkness as I do right now.  Maybe this is just an early sign that I need some vitamin D!  I know and believe that God has created winter and snow with a purpose and that there is  beauty that lies within it but I am having great difficulty finding it and being thankful for it in these present moments of bitter nausea and deep rooted tears of dread.

the rocking chair

The other night I had a mandatory debrief meeting after a long day of classes and feeling sick.  I was clearly not in the mood to go to this meeting but knowing that I had to I walked over to the house that the meeting was going to take place in.  Upon arriving I had a seat in this cushioned, wooden rocking chair.  As the meeting progressed, it occurred to me just how relaxing and peaceful it was to be in this rocking chair; I had this amazing sense of serenity and as I sat there and peacefully rocked gently back and forth, I found more and more that there was a complete calmness upon me, in a sense, I could feel God's peace with me.  I then began to day dream and long for the hope of a future where I have a home of my own and am rocking my own small child in a wooden rocking chair quite similar to the one that I was so thoroughly enjoying in this house.  It's amazing how God loves us so much that He can use a simple inanimate object like a rocking chair to allow me to feel His peace and presence in a new way.  It was almost as if all of the worries and work and business around me and in my life ceased to exist while I sat there in that chair, as if God was there with me telling me not to worry because He is right there with me, comforting me and bringing me a much needed peace.

Ponderings of September 2011

So I have been back at school for ten days now; moved into a new dorm, new roommates, 2 weeks of new classes and since arriving here I have been flooded with so many different emotions and contemplations and have often thought about these many things that I could write a blog on and wanted to but as time did not permit, I was unable to at those times.  To trail back through a few of those thoughts and potential blogs, I have firstly been feeling the blessing and also strains of having changed dorms; away from some of my very closest friends and also away from the meal plan that I had for my first two years.  Although this has been a great way for God to continue to teach me and continue to show me more about what seems to be a big theme in my life lately, due to this very fact, it has also been quite challenging.  That theme and lesson is in regards to being still and quiet in Him.  I, although sometimes timid am a very social and outgoing person around those I am close to and am also someone who continuously gives of my time and energy to different people in need and organizations as well and at the end of last year I felt God telling me that this year I needed to learn to step back, relax and be still in Him.  Now being in this separate and also considered 'mature' housing has proven to be much more relaxing in some aspects but also at times tends to feel lonely in that fact that those close friends of mine are all continuing to have eachothers' time and company while I am in a whole other building missing out on those times.

Another thing that has been laid a bit heavy on my heart is my soon in hand decision as to where I am going to go on my main internship this summer.  As much as I could say there are certain places that I would love to go, I know that it is not so much about where I want to go as to where it is God would like me to serve and will be able to best use me and build me.

This year I am looking forward to seeing in what ways God will shape me and change me, in what ways He will prepare me and make me more who I am called to be.  There are so many things in my life right now that seem unanswered and I am just longing and crying out for answers but again, I need to remember the gift and power of just being silent in my God and listening.  Why should it be awkward or uncomfortable to just be in the presence of your God and Saviour; of the one who knows and loves you more and better than anyone or thing else does or ever could.  


I am so easily lead astray and needing to be reigned in once again but I am just thankful that when I do try to take control. God still has the lead in His hands and will pull back the reigns and calm me and bring me to again be still in Him.  


There are so many hurts and pains and so many questions left unanswered and sometimes there is nothing to say and nothing to do but weep in despair of the loss and confusion, but what we must see is that even when things like this happen and the unthinkable happens and you are left with nothing but shock in your heart, a ball in your throat and a twist in your stomach, GOD IS THERE and as these things happen, He does not always cause them and there is comfort, somehow, in knowing that He is sovereign and He is Good even when nothing else seems to be so.

the definition of solitude

so it has been only 5 days since leaving Asia (Mainland China and HongKong) and until yesterday evening, I didn't realize something that something has changed in my definition of solitude.  In my home town, one of my favourite places to go is a beautiful rock lookout which looks straight across the small lake in our town.  This lookout has been a place of refuge for me for many years and I so many great memories have been made there.  There is a beautiful stone sitting area and lookout up top surrounded by trees and the sound of birds and crickets and as you go down a small stair pathway you are on a huge rock cliff overlooking the calm and beautiful waters of a small Ontario lake.  I didn't really realize how much I have always felt like a part of this scenery and place when I am there until yesterday evening when I strangely did not feel this way.  After being in Asia for almost three months, where the solitude that you appreciate so much is maybe a park bench on a sunny day for a few moments with people walking by or a late night walk when the sun is down and there is the sound of cars driving by you but never is there true solitude and I didn't actually realize this until yesterday as I sat on the bare rock looking out at the lake and all I could see was nature and all I could hear was crickets.  It was a very strange feeling being there at this place where I had always felt like I blended in but instead feeling like i was sitting on top of a beautiful canvas painting and I jus didn't belong.  I was in awe of the complete solitude and peace around me and yet unsettled with it. It almost reminds me of the scene in 'Mary Poppins" when they jump into the chalk painting on the side walk.  The painting are so beautiful and smooth and peaceful and as they are walking down the streets and riding the mary-go-round and sitting at a table, they clearly are not a part of the scenery and they don't blend at all...in fact, they almost take away from the natural beauty of the nature around them...this is how I felt yesterday sitting on the rock...like I was sitting on a beautiful canvas painted by our creator and I was in awe at just how amazing His creation is and how unworthy I truly am of the many things He has created for me and all of His people to enjoy...  there are so few places like this anymore and one thing that came to my mind was the fact that when I am at home I never 'feel' God the way I do when I am travelling or away from this town but maybe thats because when I am away, in places where I can't see Him in the environment,  scenery and people around me so clearly, when He is beside me and around me, I can feel and see Him that much more clearly because He stands out but at home, where there is little distraction and so much peace and simplicity, He is that much more 'everywhere' and visible...so I don't really notice His presence as much....just as people would be less likely to see a stop sign if it was green (the same colour as the scenery around it) instead of red.  This has been a great lesson for me in appreciating God and the little things about His creation that I so ignorantly take advantage of...

Time moves while I stand still

 This is an exert from my other blog:

So today I am on the line between joy and agony.  This summer has been a long journey and I feel like although I have been so thankful for, and have been ravishing in the many great experiences and people I have met, I have also been walking in drudgery; dragging every foot along the path I am on trying to go backwards and back to before I left when really I should've been pressing forward even harder towards the end.  

     It's rather interesting that in fact this really became apparent to me this                  morning as I was reading my devotions.  This is what Oswald Chambers startlingly said this morning:

He Comes where He commands us to leave.  If you stayed home when God told you to go because you were so concerned about your own people there, then you actually robbed them of the teaching of Jesus Christ Himself.  When you obeyed and left all the consequences to God, the Lord went into your city to teach, but as long as you were disobedient, you blocked His way.  Watch where you begin to debate with Him and put what you call your duty into competition with His commands.  If you say: "I know that you told me to go, but my duty is here," it simply means that you do not believe that Jesus  means what He says.

This morning as I read this, it hit a note with me and caused me to reflect on the privilege of being obedient to God, even in the times where we don't want to and it would be so much easier not to.  Being in China and here in Hong Kong has been a great experience and the people I have met have touched my life in so many ways.  As my time here comes to a close, with only less than a week to go, I intend to remain obedient to my purpose and calling in being here and appreciate it for what it is and what it is not.  

Tonight, as I was looking through a friends facebook album and some of her summer events and experiences, I cam across some photos of her sister's high school graduation and I then remembered her and I talking about how much she wanted to come on this trip but that she also felt the necessity to be at her sister's graduation and as I remembered this, my heart melted for the fact that it was also my brother's highschool graduation that I missed this summer and I will never be able to get that back.  It is something that for so many years I have looked forward to being able to attend but will never be able to as that opportunity has now passed away...

I feel like I am missing out on a lot... even in my being here, in Hong Kong and when I was in China.  It's like i'm not really a part of anything at all and im not sure why I feel this way.  One of my best friends gave me her word about something today and passed it by to do something with some other people whom im sure she has been dying to be 'accepted' more with and as much as it is not a big deal at all and I could've joined them as well, it eats away at me to think that maybe she should've known...so i missed out on that opportunity...my little sister is learned to talk and getting to know everyone ..except me...my friend is getting married and I don't know that i'll be able to support her while another best friend of mine is about to have a baby without any close family to be there for her and as much as I am struggling to be able to get there...something is going to be left somewhere along the lines....my family, the wedding, the birth of my best friends child, or something else...

I feel like time is moving by and Im somehow not a part of it...I understand that time goes on with or without me and that life goes on and stories happen in my home town and in the lives of those I love even when I am not there to know or participate in them and even when I only hear later through a friend but this whole process makes me feel even more like a bystander in my own life ...like I am standing still while everything around me is moving soo quickly..or maybe I am moving too quickly while everything around me is standing still...either way...I feel like I can't find my ground or something to hold onto and I just can't catch up to any of the flows that are travelling past me in any direction...  I am lost!

the true identity of a turtle...

There are many horrible feelings that exist and many that can far surpass the one that I am about to discuss but one of the most disappointing feelings that one can experience is not being known, even amongst a group of people that you have known (or been acquainted with) for quite some time.


For those who know me well, they know me as someone who is very outgoing, sometimes a bit spazzy, passionate, loving, bold, maybe even a bit too dominate at times but also sometimes very deep and internal.  My heart breaks at injustices and my passions lead to great debates and controversial conversations.  I am spontaneous, but very structured and organized, I am adventurous and a bit of an adrenaline junky but am very fearful of some of the challenges that I place before myself to overcome.  I am almost always willing to go out of my way to help, talk with, and be there for those i love and care about (maybe even more than what i should be at times) but also overwhelm myself with the many many things that I 'sign up' to do.  I love to be busy but I make myself so busy that I almost forget to breath!  I love culture, language, travelling, doing new things, meeting new people and my heart breaks for the suffering and emptiness of mankind...


Now for those who don't truly know me, they see me as a very quiet, awkward, shy, withheld individual who occasionally says some awkward , unwarranted comment along the side.  They see me as someone with very little passion and zest and with little personality at all.


For my friends and family who know me well, they are always very surprised to see just how quiet and withheld i become amongst those I do not know well or in new situations and when someone first meets me they are quite surprised (later) to see how different I actually am compared with their first 'shy' impression of me.


I am not one hundred percent sure why it takes me so long to truly open up and be myself.  I feel kind of like a turtle who only pokes his head out (slowly) once he knows for sure it is safe to do so and sometimes, with some people or in some places, it never does feel safe.  I guess it may be a privilege to know the deeper layer of me, past the quiet outer composure but the worst feeling is when you are stuck inside your shell for an extended amount of time.  It feels almost like a prison.  I may have moments with certain people where I extend my head and heart out of that shell but just as quickly I am stuck back inside that claustrophobic, stuffy, dark shell unable to breath because the most important and vibrant parts of who I am are being tucked away and hidden from everyone around me.


It is so sad when you have people who have known you for so long thinking that you are this quiet, totally submissive little girl when in reality being submissive is something that you have struggled with and wish you could be a little bit more of.  I am so thankful for those friends I have that become like an oasis where I can come out, even if just temporarily, to breath and open up as it is such a lonely feeling being stuck inside yourself...

a moment...not fully captured

so today, after a full day of teaching, i stood in the open balcony-like hallway of the Hong Kong school I have been teaching at this week and looked out across the area and onto the beautiful mountains that surround this vast city.  I was astounded by the beautiful bright green colour that the mountains were appearing in today, as the humidity (and maybe smog) were lower today, made the mountains appear much closer and clearer, instead of so misty and distant.  As I looked out, amazed and captured by this scene of such deep and inexplicable beauty, i went and got my camera, in hopes of being able to capture this moment, image, and maybe even feeling on my camera, but to my great dismay I could not nearly encompass the great beauty that i saw before my eyes in the screen of my camera.  The colours were just so bright and clear and vibrant but each picture that i took only showed a faded, distant picture of some far off mountains and for some reason, today, this really bothered me.

The other day, I was reflecting about what it means to take a picture and why it is that I always take so many pictures and feel so lost without my camera.  I came to the conclusion that for me, taking pictures is not just about capturing what I see before me but is also about capturing what I feel around me as I look at this beautiful picture or scene painted before my eyes.  To be able to share just that intense emotions and 'gasp for air' , 'take your breath away' moment with someone else, even though they may not ever be able to see the scene or be in that place themselves would be a dream come true, as well as to be able to personally relive those moments myself; again and again and again.

As i stood there looking out at the unfathomable beauty before my eyes, and expressing my great frustration in the fact that i could not adequately display it, I was talking about my camera and how it was the problem and one of my fellow teachers spoke up stating something so true: 'there is always a better camera, theres always another lens'.  This really helped me to put things into perspective; God's creation cannot ever truly be fully explained, captured in it's full essence, appreciated for all that it is or respected for all the it is worth.  If it could be, then would we truly be as in awe and reverence to God as what we are in knowing just how inexpressible His glory and works truly are? ...They are so much more than what words or pictures or actions or thoughts or even feelings could ever capture, even all combined together as one.

Home

So I have been home for five days now; back in the beautiful Ontario. From wide open fields and no time to do anything but drown myself in school work to almost nothing to do but spend time with family, go for walks and read to keep myself entertained. 

This past year at college has been so challenging for me!  I have experienced great loss of close friends as we have gone through times of separation in distance and in spirit, I have been physically, spiritually, academically and emotionally exhausted throughout almost the whole time but yet I have learned and grown so much!  Also, I have always considered myself to have the blessing of being able to be away from a very closely knit family for long periods of time without any struggles at all, until in the fall my family adopted my little sister who is almost 2 years old.  This has presented me with new struggles in wanting to get to know her better and wanting her to know me when I am so far away from home most of the year.

Now!  this past month or so, I have been so overwhelmed with so much to do that I have been longing for the day that i finally would get to go home and just be able to stop and breath for a little while!  Looking back, only a few days ago to my drive to the airport and the beautiful skies and flooded fields on either side of me, I had an unusual amount of peace and calmness with me.  I love flying but usually on my drives to the airport, my stomach is turning and is full of butterflies because I just don`t fully know what to expect I guess, and this time, I barely had that feeling at all!  Not that it`s not a good feeling but it wasn`t so much the normal excited, adrenaline rush feeling; it was a calm and peace filled feeling of being able to finally let go and breath again.  Even on the plane, with the turbulence and all, I was so calm and relaxed;  a peace I very rarely feel (especially while flying!).

This peace gave me a sense of certainty in the many great uncertainties that this summer comes with: the certainty that there are great things to be unfolded this summer.  Although I may be walking into an area of gray, I know that the things I don`t see yet are things that I can trust are good.

Upon my arrival at the airport, I was greeted by the smiling face of my brother on the other side of the baggage claim room and shortly after my youngest brothers hug, my mom, dad and new little sister, who is just learning to talk shouting my name and wanting to hold my hand as we frantically tried to make our way to the parking lot.

Right now, I am firstly trying to learn to slow down and to stop worrying so much about everything and let what happens happen.  I am also trying to prepare myself for my soon endeavors to and in China later this summer!

I am excited to see where this summer season takes me as I continue to learn to trust and relax :)

Waves of Time come crashing in...

So lately, I've been looking back a lot on my high school days and reading over conversations that I have had and pictures that were taken. I remember in those days thinking to myself about how much drama and stress there was and about how much i couldn't wait to move on with my life; to move forward. I first of all remember feeling so overloaded with work and thinking it was so hard and now I can truly look back and laugh at how little was actually expected of me. I can look back and see the little 'dramas' that would take place with my friends and I and see that they also haven't disappeared but also have only grown to be more difficult in content and depth. I look back and although I truly have so far to go, I can see so much growth since then. I remember how I used to think and feel about the world and people around me. I was so selfish and righteous and thought that I was about reprimand, but yet I was so naive and so ignorant in reality. I remember all of the 'nevers' that i spoke against myself...saying: 'I will never..this and never..that' and how I looked at certain close friends of mine, whom I thought I had an eye of love towards, with such an eye of judgment and condemnation. I thought I knew what life was about but yet I had truly never lived. what a hypocrite! and yet the people I loved the most were suffering so much and valued so deeply what I said to them and the advice that I gave to them.
I guess these are times that we must go through so that we can look back at them and learn from them and improve ourselves. One piece of insight that I have gained from looking into my 'high school thoughts and years' is the value in believing in people. Truly believing in them and trusting that despite the ways in which they fail and have failed, they will make it through and are capable of living lives of great power and insight.
I can also look back and see many admirable things about myself that used to come so easy for me which now I have to work for and struggle with to continue steadfast in, such as my faith. I used to be 'unmovable' and never swaying in my constant passion and zest...and maybe that was pride just as much as it may have been a blessing but I do miss that determination that I once so energetically had.
Time has such a way of smoothing out the rough edges and curving us into the people we are and will become. As one wave moves in and crashes onto a rocky shore and just as quickly is pulled back out into the sea, we yearn for those waves to return to us and we ache when they leave but with each wave that goes out another one will come crashing back; continuing to smooth and shape us into whom we are meant to be. It's learning to be patient and enduring of these waves and the process of 'give and take' that we need to learn to live with and accept...

A Frozen Heart

Last night I decided to take a walk just so i could recollect my thoughts. It's finally starting to get a little warmer out and the darkness around me feels like a warm blanket of solitude which allows me to think and think clearly. I circled most of the town and came back and walked into the enclosed area of crunchy snow that only a few weeks ago was an outdoor ice rink. After taking only a few steps into the ice rink I saw something on the ground that caught my eye. It was a leaf, of some sort, shaped like a heart, and sunk into the snow a bit. I went to pick it up and see the design that it left in the snow but soon realized that it was frozen into the snow and former ice. That leaf kind of reminds me of how I feel right now. I have been here so long standing still in a world that is frozen all around me that I can't move; nestled tightly into the ice and coldness thats all around me. I think that this is the stage and place that alot of people here are in right now. There is, and has been so much noise and clatter around us for so long now and as it has all started to quiet down we are some how frozen there where we landed. There is so much bustle and activity that people don't seem to know who they are anymore and those around them have trouble defining it as well. So many friends of mine seem like empty vessels right now. I see no life or deed within them; only a faint image of who and what they used to be. Now we all seem like hearts frozen in the dark, cold winter ice. As I reflect on this, i think once again back to the leaf and how it is quite possible that it may not have even been visible a month ago, possibly covered in layers of ice and snow and although it is still forced to remain there, it is once again visible, which is a start. Spring is coming and with that, hearts un-thaw and personalities return to their former possessors. This is my prayer for us here, in a quiet university in the middle of Saskatchewan, that with the spring and warmth, so our hearts will be warmed and life and energy return to each of us.