the true identity of a turtle...

There are many horrible feelings that exist and many that can far surpass the one that I am about to discuss but one of the most disappointing feelings that one can experience is not being known, even amongst a group of people that you have known (or been acquainted with) for quite some time.


For those who know me well, they know me as someone who is very outgoing, sometimes a bit spazzy, passionate, loving, bold, maybe even a bit too dominate at times but also sometimes very deep and internal.  My heart breaks at injustices and my passions lead to great debates and controversial conversations.  I am spontaneous, but very structured and organized, I am adventurous and a bit of an adrenaline junky but am very fearful of some of the challenges that I place before myself to overcome.  I am almost always willing to go out of my way to help, talk with, and be there for those i love and care about (maybe even more than what i should be at times) but also overwhelm myself with the many many things that I 'sign up' to do.  I love to be busy but I make myself so busy that I almost forget to breath!  I love culture, language, travelling, doing new things, meeting new people and my heart breaks for the suffering and emptiness of mankind...


Now for those who don't truly know me, they see me as a very quiet, awkward, shy, withheld individual who occasionally says some awkward , unwarranted comment along the side.  They see me as someone with very little passion and zest and with little personality at all.


For my friends and family who know me well, they are always very surprised to see just how quiet and withheld i become amongst those I do not know well or in new situations and when someone first meets me they are quite surprised (later) to see how different I actually am compared with their first 'shy' impression of me.


I am not one hundred percent sure why it takes me so long to truly open up and be myself.  I feel kind of like a turtle who only pokes his head out (slowly) once he knows for sure it is safe to do so and sometimes, with some people or in some places, it never does feel safe.  I guess it may be a privilege to know the deeper layer of me, past the quiet outer composure but the worst feeling is when you are stuck inside your shell for an extended amount of time.  It feels almost like a prison.  I may have moments with certain people where I extend my head and heart out of that shell but just as quickly I am stuck back inside that claustrophobic, stuffy, dark shell unable to breath because the most important and vibrant parts of who I am are being tucked away and hidden from everyone around me.


It is so sad when you have people who have known you for so long thinking that you are this quiet, totally submissive little girl when in reality being submissive is something that you have struggled with and wish you could be a little bit more of.  I am so thankful for those friends I have that become like an oasis where I can come out, even if just temporarily, to breath and open up as it is such a lonely feeling being stuck inside yourself...