the true identity of a turtle...

There are many horrible feelings that exist and many that can far surpass the one that I am about to discuss but one of the most disappointing feelings that one can experience is not being known, even amongst a group of people that you have known (or been acquainted with) for quite some time.


For those who know me well, they know me as someone who is very outgoing, sometimes a bit spazzy, passionate, loving, bold, maybe even a bit too dominate at times but also sometimes very deep and internal.  My heart breaks at injustices and my passions lead to great debates and controversial conversations.  I am spontaneous, but very structured and organized, I am adventurous and a bit of an adrenaline junky but am very fearful of some of the challenges that I place before myself to overcome.  I am almost always willing to go out of my way to help, talk with, and be there for those i love and care about (maybe even more than what i should be at times) but also overwhelm myself with the many many things that I 'sign up' to do.  I love to be busy but I make myself so busy that I almost forget to breath!  I love culture, language, travelling, doing new things, meeting new people and my heart breaks for the suffering and emptiness of mankind...


Now for those who don't truly know me, they see me as a very quiet, awkward, shy, withheld individual who occasionally says some awkward , unwarranted comment along the side.  They see me as someone with very little passion and zest and with little personality at all.


For my friends and family who know me well, they are always very surprised to see just how quiet and withheld i become amongst those I do not know well or in new situations and when someone first meets me they are quite surprised (later) to see how different I actually am compared with their first 'shy' impression of me.


I am not one hundred percent sure why it takes me so long to truly open up and be myself.  I feel kind of like a turtle who only pokes his head out (slowly) once he knows for sure it is safe to do so and sometimes, with some people or in some places, it never does feel safe.  I guess it may be a privilege to know the deeper layer of me, past the quiet outer composure but the worst feeling is when you are stuck inside your shell for an extended amount of time.  It feels almost like a prison.  I may have moments with certain people where I extend my head and heart out of that shell but just as quickly I am stuck back inside that claustrophobic, stuffy, dark shell unable to breath because the most important and vibrant parts of who I am are being tucked away and hidden from everyone around me.


It is so sad when you have people who have known you for so long thinking that you are this quiet, totally submissive little girl when in reality being submissive is something that you have struggled with and wish you could be a little bit more of.  I am so thankful for those friends I have that become like an oasis where I can come out, even if just temporarily, to breath and open up as it is such a lonely feeling being stuck inside yourself...

a moment...not fully captured

so today, after a full day of teaching, i stood in the open balcony-like hallway of the Hong Kong school I have been teaching at this week and looked out across the area and onto the beautiful mountains that surround this vast city.  I was astounded by the beautiful bright green colour that the mountains were appearing in today, as the humidity (and maybe smog) were lower today, made the mountains appear much closer and clearer, instead of so misty and distant.  As I looked out, amazed and captured by this scene of such deep and inexplicable beauty, i went and got my camera, in hopes of being able to capture this moment, image, and maybe even feeling on my camera, but to my great dismay I could not nearly encompass the great beauty that i saw before my eyes in the screen of my camera.  The colours were just so bright and clear and vibrant but each picture that i took only showed a faded, distant picture of some far off mountains and for some reason, today, this really bothered me.

The other day, I was reflecting about what it means to take a picture and why it is that I always take so many pictures and feel so lost without my camera.  I came to the conclusion that for me, taking pictures is not just about capturing what I see before me but is also about capturing what I feel around me as I look at this beautiful picture or scene painted before my eyes.  To be able to share just that intense emotions and 'gasp for air' , 'take your breath away' moment with someone else, even though they may not ever be able to see the scene or be in that place themselves would be a dream come true, as well as to be able to personally relive those moments myself; again and again and again.

As i stood there looking out at the unfathomable beauty before my eyes, and expressing my great frustration in the fact that i could not adequately display it, I was talking about my camera and how it was the problem and one of my fellow teachers spoke up stating something so true: 'there is always a better camera, theres always another lens'.  This really helped me to put things into perspective; God's creation cannot ever truly be fully explained, captured in it's full essence, appreciated for all that it is or respected for all the it is worth.  If it could be, then would we truly be as in awe and reverence to God as what we are in knowing just how inexpressible His glory and works truly are? ...They are so much more than what words or pictures or actions or thoughts or even feelings could ever capture, even all combined together as one.