the definition of solitude

so it has been only 5 days since leaving Asia (Mainland China and HongKong) and until yesterday evening, I didn't realize something that something has changed in my definition of solitude.  In my home town, one of my favourite places to go is a beautiful rock lookout which looks straight across the small lake in our town.  This lookout has been a place of refuge for me for many years and I so many great memories have been made there.  There is a beautiful stone sitting area and lookout up top surrounded by trees and the sound of birds and crickets and as you go down a small stair pathway you are on a huge rock cliff overlooking the calm and beautiful waters of a small Ontario lake.  I didn't really realize how much I have always felt like a part of this scenery and place when I am there until yesterday evening when I strangely did not feel this way.  After being in Asia for almost three months, where the solitude that you appreciate so much is maybe a park bench on a sunny day for a few moments with people walking by or a late night walk when the sun is down and there is the sound of cars driving by you but never is there true solitude and I didn't actually realize this until yesterday as I sat on the bare rock looking out at the lake and all I could see was nature and all I could hear was crickets.  It was a very strange feeling being there at this place where I had always felt like I blended in but instead feeling like i was sitting on top of a beautiful canvas painting and I jus didn't belong.  I was in awe of the complete solitude and peace around me and yet unsettled with it. It almost reminds me of the scene in 'Mary Poppins" when they jump into the chalk painting on the side walk.  The painting are so beautiful and smooth and peaceful and as they are walking down the streets and riding the mary-go-round and sitting at a table, they clearly are not a part of the scenery and they don't blend at all...in fact, they almost take away from the natural beauty of the nature around them...this is how I felt yesterday sitting on the rock...like I was sitting on a beautiful canvas painted by our creator and I was in awe at just how amazing His creation is and how unworthy I truly am of the many things He has created for me and all of His people to enjoy...  there are so few places like this anymore and one thing that came to my mind was the fact that when I am at home I never 'feel' God the way I do when I am travelling or away from this town but maybe thats because when I am away, in places where I can't see Him in the environment,  scenery and people around me so clearly, when He is beside me and around me, I can feel and see Him that much more clearly because He stands out but at home, where there is little distraction and so much peace and simplicity, He is that much more 'everywhere' and visible...so I don't really notice His presence as much....just as people would be less likely to see a stop sign if it was green (the same colour as the scenery around it) instead of red.  This has been a great lesson for me in appreciating God and the little things about His creation that I so ignorantly take advantage of...

Time moves while I stand still

 This is an exert from my other blog:

So today I am on the line between joy and agony.  This summer has been a long journey and I feel like although I have been so thankful for, and have been ravishing in the many great experiences and people I have met, I have also been walking in drudgery; dragging every foot along the path I am on trying to go backwards and back to before I left when really I should've been pressing forward even harder towards the end.  

     It's rather interesting that in fact this really became apparent to me this                  morning as I was reading my devotions.  This is what Oswald Chambers startlingly said this morning:

He Comes where He commands us to leave.  If you stayed home when God told you to go because you were so concerned about your own people there, then you actually robbed them of the teaching of Jesus Christ Himself.  When you obeyed and left all the consequences to God, the Lord went into your city to teach, but as long as you were disobedient, you blocked His way.  Watch where you begin to debate with Him and put what you call your duty into competition with His commands.  If you say: "I know that you told me to go, but my duty is here," it simply means that you do not believe that Jesus  means what He says.

This morning as I read this, it hit a note with me and caused me to reflect on the privilege of being obedient to God, even in the times where we don't want to and it would be so much easier not to.  Being in China and here in Hong Kong has been a great experience and the people I have met have touched my life in so many ways.  As my time here comes to a close, with only less than a week to go, I intend to remain obedient to my purpose and calling in being here and appreciate it for what it is and what it is not.  

Tonight, as I was looking through a friends facebook album and some of her summer events and experiences, I cam across some photos of her sister's high school graduation and I then remembered her and I talking about how much she wanted to come on this trip but that she also felt the necessity to be at her sister's graduation and as I remembered this, my heart melted for the fact that it was also my brother's highschool graduation that I missed this summer and I will never be able to get that back.  It is something that for so many years I have looked forward to being able to attend but will never be able to as that opportunity has now passed away...

I feel like I am missing out on a lot... even in my being here, in Hong Kong and when I was in China.  It's like i'm not really a part of anything at all and im not sure why I feel this way.  One of my best friends gave me her word about something today and passed it by to do something with some other people whom im sure she has been dying to be 'accepted' more with and as much as it is not a big deal at all and I could've joined them as well, it eats away at me to think that maybe she should've known...so i missed out on that opportunity...my little sister is learned to talk and getting to know everyone ..except me...my friend is getting married and I don't know that i'll be able to support her while another best friend of mine is about to have a baby without any close family to be there for her and as much as I am struggling to be able to get there...something is going to be left somewhere along the lines....my family, the wedding, the birth of my best friends child, or something else...

I feel like time is moving by and Im somehow not a part of it...I understand that time goes on with or without me and that life goes on and stories happen in my home town and in the lives of those I love even when I am not there to know or participate in them and even when I only hear later through a friend but this whole process makes me feel even more like a bystander in my own life ...like I am standing still while everything around me is moving soo quickly..or maybe I am moving too quickly while everything around me is standing still...either way...I feel like I can't find my ground or something to hold onto and I just can't catch up to any of the flows that are travelling past me in any direction...  I am lost!