the definition of solitude

so it has been only 5 days since leaving Asia (Mainland China and HongKong) and until yesterday evening, I didn't realize something that something has changed in my definition of solitude.  In my home town, one of my favourite places to go is a beautiful rock lookout which looks straight across the small lake in our town.  This lookout has been a place of refuge for me for many years and I so many great memories have been made there.  There is a beautiful stone sitting area and lookout up top surrounded by trees and the sound of birds and crickets and as you go down a small stair pathway you are on a huge rock cliff overlooking the calm and beautiful waters of a small Ontario lake.  I didn't really realize how much I have always felt like a part of this scenery and place when I am there until yesterday evening when I strangely did not feel this way.  After being in Asia for almost three months, where the solitude that you appreciate so much is maybe a park bench on a sunny day for a few moments with people walking by or a late night walk when the sun is down and there is the sound of cars driving by you but never is there true solitude and I didn't actually realize this until yesterday as I sat on the bare rock looking out at the lake and all I could see was nature and all I could hear was crickets.  It was a very strange feeling being there at this place where I had always felt like I blended in but instead feeling like i was sitting on top of a beautiful canvas painting and I jus didn't belong.  I was in awe of the complete solitude and peace around me and yet unsettled with it. It almost reminds me of the scene in 'Mary Poppins" when they jump into the chalk painting on the side walk.  The painting are so beautiful and smooth and peaceful and as they are walking down the streets and riding the mary-go-round and sitting at a table, they clearly are not a part of the scenery and they don't blend at all...in fact, they almost take away from the natural beauty of the nature around them...this is how I felt yesterday sitting on the rock...like I was sitting on a beautiful canvas painted by our creator and I was in awe at just how amazing His creation is and how unworthy I truly am of the many things He has created for me and all of His people to enjoy...  there are so few places like this anymore and one thing that came to my mind was the fact that when I am at home I never 'feel' God the way I do when I am travelling or away from this town but maybe thats because when I am away, in places where I can't see Him in the environment,  scenery and people around me so clearly, when He is beside me and around me, I can feel and see Him that much more clearly because He stands out but at home, where there is little distraction and so much peace and simplicity, He is that much more 'everywhere' and visible...so I don't really notice His presence as much....just as people would be less likely to see a stop sign if it was green (the same colour as the scenery around it) instead of red.  This has been a great lesson for me in appreciating God and the little things about His creation that I so ignorantly take advantage of...

Home

So I have been home for five days now; back in the beautiful Ontario. From wide open fields and no time to do anything but drown myself in school work to almost nothing to do but spend time with family, go for walks and read to keep myself entertained. 

This past year at college has been so challenging for me!  I have experienced great loss of close friends as we have gone through times of separation in distance and in spirit, I have been physically, spiritually, academically and emotionally exhausted throughout almost the whole time but yet I have learned and grown so much!  Also, I have always considered myself to have the blessing of being able to be away from a very closely knit family for long periods of time without any struggles at all, until in the fall my family adopted my little sister who is almost 2 years old.  This has presented me with new struggles in wanting to get to know her better and wanting her to know me when I am so far away from home most of the year.

Now!  this past month or so, I have been so overwhelmed with so much to do that I have been longing for the day that i finally would get to go home and just be able to stop and breath for a little while!  Looking back, only a few days ago to my drive to the airport and the beautiful skies and flooded fields on either side of me, I had an unusual amount of peace and calmness with me.  I love flying but usually on my drives to the airport, my stomach is turning and is full of butterflies because I just don`t fully know what to expect I guess, and this time, I barely had that feeling at all!  Not that it`s not a good feeling but it wasn`t so much the normal excited, adrenaline rush feeling; it was a calm and peace filled feeling of being able to finally let go and breath again.  Even on the plane, with the turbulence and all, I was so calm and relaxed;  a peace I very rarely feel (especially while flying!).

This peace gave me a sense of certainty in the many great uncertainties that this summer comes with: the certainty that there are great things to be unfolded this summer.  Although I may be walking into an area of gray, I know that the things I don`t see yet are things that I can trust are good.

Upon my arrival at the airport, I was greeted by the smiling face of my brother on the other side of the baggage claim room and shortly after my youngest brothers hug, my mom, dad and new little sister, who is just learning to talk shouting my name and wanting to hold my hand as we frantically tried to make our way to the parking lot.

Right now, I am firstly trying to learn to slow down and to stop worrying so much about everything and let what happens happen.  I am also trying to prepare myself for my soon endeavors to and in China later this summer!

I am excited to see where this summer season takes me as I continue to learn to trust and relax :)