Home

So I have been home for five days now; back in the beautiful Ontario. From wide open fields and no time to do anything but drown myself in school work to almost nothing to do but spend time with family, go for walks and read to keep myself entertained. 

This past year at college has been so challenging for me!  I have experienced great loss of close friends as we have gone through times of separation in distance and in spirit, I have been physically, spiritually, academically and emotionally exhausted throughout almost the whole time but yet I have learned and grown so much!  Also, I have always considered myself to have the blessing of being able to be away from a very closely knit family for long periods of time without any struggles at all, until in the fall my family adopted my little sister who is almost 2 years old.  This has presented me with new struggles in wanting to get to know her better and wanting her to know me when I am so far away from home most of the year.

Now!  this past month or so, I have been so overwhelmed with so much to do that I have been longing for the day that i finally would get to go home and just be able to stop and breath for a little while!  Looking back, only a few days ago to my drive to the airport and the beautiful skies and flooded fields on either side of me, I had an unusual amount of peace and calmness with me.  I love flying but usually on my drives to the airport, my stomach is turning and is full of butterflies because I just don`t fully know what to expect I guess, and this time, I barely had that feeling at all!  Not that it`s not a good feeling but it wasn`t so much the normal excited, adrenaline rush feeling; it was a calm and peace filled feeling of being able to finally let go and breath again.  Even on the plane, with the turbulence and all, I was so calm and relaxed;  a peace I very rarely feel (especially while flying!).

This peace gave me a sense of certainty in the many great uncertainties that this summer comes with: the certainty that there are great things to be unfolded this summer.  Although I may be walking into an area of gray, I know that the things I don`t see yet are things that I can trust are good.

Upon my arrival at the airport, I was greeted by the smiling face of my brother on the other side of the baggage claim room and shortly after my youngest brothers hug, my mom, dad and new little sister, who is just learning to talk shouting my name and wanting to hold my hand as we frantically tried to make our way to the parking lot.

Right now, I am firstly trying to learn to slow down and to stop worrying so much about everything and let what happens happen.  I am also trying to prepare myself for my soon endeavors to and in China later this summer!

I am excited to see where this summer season takes me as I continue to learn to trust and relax :)

Time

It's really crazy how fast time goes by. It has been a year since I have actually thought about this blog site, A whole sememster of college and a summer and fall have gone by. friends have changed, family has expanded and I am back at the same college in the same room, on the same bed but with a new roommate (who has the same name as my last one). It's amazing to look back and see how much I have overcome in the last year since first leaving for college. There has been so much pain to overcome and so much hurt to forgive and so many people to meet and relationships to build and insecurities to overcome. When I first started the long (three day drive) out to the college with my family, I had just finished spending a year at home working and spent an extended summer back in an old, unofficial relationship which had been going on (and off) for way too long. When I left, I told myself that I was leaving it all behind me and I tried only to find that people are so quick to forget about me and abandon any hope that may have been. (which may have been just what I needed). In March I officially ended this relationship that had unofficially caused so much hurt and confusion for so long and it felt so good to know something about it for sure: it was over and I finally had a sense of stability in it.
Coming home for the summer re-opened great wounds that I had been carrying still but it also helped me to be able to close them once and for all. it reminded me of the book the shack and having to go back and look the painful places and people in the eyes to be able to see them for what theyre really worth. So much had also changed in my friends, or maybe in me and it just wasnt the same joy to be around them anymore, i was dissatisfied with them. I felt lonely but also experienced many new things and built on relationbships that had long been overdue to develop.
Now here we are half way through November, the miracle month, as they call it, and I am once again trying to survive it. The dynamics at this place are so much different than last year, no one is as connected with eachother as we were last year, our friendships have become distant and I hate it! Life seems all the more busy, which is only because I have been taking on more and more but not less lonely than before. I am so blessed with amazing close friends and new friendships developping but am still praying also for God to move in bigger ways in us all.
I have been praying that God would move in me in new ways and even took some brave steps and made some bold commitments to Him and have seen the affects of that. when you ask God to move and change you, He will and it's good but a thick road to walk on. May He start a revival and may He start it in me.