A Frozen Heart

Last night I decided to take a walk just so i could recollect my thoughts. It's finally starting to get a little warmer out and the darkness around me feels like a warm blanket of solitude which allows me to think and think clearly. I circled most of the town and came back and walked into the enclosed area of crunchy snow that only a few weeks ago was an outdoor ice rink. After taking only a few steps into the ice rink I saw something on the ground that caught my eye. It was a leaf, of some sort, shaped like a heart, and sunk into the snow a bit. I went to pick it up and see the design that it left in the snow but soon realized that it was frozen into the snow and former ice. That leaf kind of reminds me of how I feel right now. I have been here so long standing still in a world that is frozen all around me that I can't move; nestled tightly into the ice and coldness thats all around me. I think that this is the stage and place that alot of people here are in right now. There is, and has been so much noise and clatter around us for so long now and as it has all started to quiet down we are some how frozen there where we landed. There is so much bustle and activity that people don't seem to know who they are anymore and those around them have trouble defining it as well. So many friends of mine seem like empty vessels right now. I see no life or deed within them; only a faint image of who and what they used to be. Now we all seem like hearts frozen in the dark, cold winter ice. As I reflect on this, i think once again back to the leaf and how it is quite possible that it may not have even been visible a month ago, possibly covered in layers of ice and snow and although it is still forced to remain there, it is once again visible, which is a start. Spring is coming and with that, hearts un-thaw and personalities return to their former possessors. This is my prayer for us here, in a quiet university in the middle of Saskatchewan, that with the spring and warmth, so our hearts will be warmed and life and energy return to each of us.

Time

It's really crazy how fast time goes by. It has been a year since I have actually thought about this blog site, A whole sememster of college and a summer and fall have gone by. friends have changed, family has expanded and I am back at the same college in the same room, on the same bed but with a new roommate (who has the same name as my last one). It's amazing to look back and see how much I have overcome in the last year since first leaving for college. There has been so much pain to overcome and so much hurt to forgive and so many people to meet and relationships to build and insecurities to overcome. When I first started the long (three day drive) out to the college with my family, I had just finished spending a year at home working and spent an extended summer back in an old, unofficial relationship which had been going on (and off) for way too long. When I left, I told myself that I was leaving it all behind me and I tried only to find that people are so quick to forget about me and abandon any hope that may have been. (which may have been just what I needed). In March I officially ended this relationship that had unofficially caused so much hurt and confusion for so long and it felt so good to know something about it for sure: it was over and I finally had a sense of stability in it.
Coming home for the summer re-opened great wounds that I had been carrying still but it also helped me to be able to close them once and for all. it reminded me of the book the shack and having to go back and look the painful places and people in the eyes to be able to see them for what theyre really worth. So much had also changed in my friends, or maybe in me and it just wasnt the same joy to be around them anymore, i was dissatisfied with them. I felt lonely but also experienced many new things and built on relationbships that had long been overdue to develop.
Now here we are half way through November, the miracle month, as they call it, and I am once again trying to survive it. The dynamics at this place are so much different than last year, no one is as connected with eachother as we were last year, our friendships have become distant and I hate it! Life seems all the more busy, which is only because I have been taking on more and more but not less lonely than before. I am so blessed with amazing close friends and new friendships developping but am still praying also for God to move in bigger ways in us all.
I have been praying that God would move in me in new ways and even took some brave steps and made some bold commitments to Him and have seen the affects of that. when you ask God to move and change you, He will and it's good but a thick road to walk on. May He start a revival and may He start it in me.