until death do us part...

"Until Death Do Us Part..."

These words can seem so meaningless when we hear them and they become almost a joke or a slogan for many people, but to really consider the meaning of them is something great to grapple with in this day and age.  There have been a few things that have come up that have caused me to reflect on this concept in more detail...


Over Christmas, a friend of mine who is quite young got married to her fiancé.  They had only been seeing each other (dating and engaged) for 9 months and many people were so skeptical of them.  Despite this sceptisism they remained obedient to God, whom they felt had called them to be together in the first place.  Their journey was not an easy one and many trials were placed between them leading up to their wedding but they remained faithful and obedient to their God and He brought them through.  Shortly after their marriage they invited me over to their new home and I was a little apprehensive about going but when I arrived I quickly saw such a great maturity and peace within them that I couldn't help but feel the same way.  Their obedience to their Father in Heaven is seen so clearly through who they are and how they live...even just the look in their eyes.


A few weeks ago, a middle aged friend of mine was celebrating her wedding anniversary.  Her and her husband had been married for 10 years and she proudly proclaimed this through her Facebook status which said:
   
~~"wishing my husband of 10 yrs!!! A wonderful Anniversary :0) We definitely didn't start out best friends (lol) but have grown a love that is stronger, beautiful, and long lasting!! And built on the rock, Our Lord Jesus Christ!"~~

    

Reading this really touched my heart and nearly brought me to tears at the whole concept of being together through thick and thin....staying together and working through life together even when it would be easier to 'quit'... Reading this caused me to pray that God could bless my (one day) husband and I to have endurance and strong faith and reliance on Him.

Today, I was sitting in the medical centre's parking lot waiting for someone to finish their appointment.  As I waited I saw an elderly couple walking side by side into the medical centre.  When I looked closer I noticed a wire of some sort that was attached to both of them so I looked a little closer and realized that woman had a breathing apparatus which was connected to a small machine.  The woman had the wire in her nose and her husband, who patiently walked beside her, was holding the machine in his hand!

This was so inspiring and took my breath away!  How beautiful a picture it is that even when both have lost their beauty, they remain each others' best friends and even when they are weak and dying, they support each other and walk the distance side by side.

This past Sunday, I went out for lunch after church and a couple (from the church) who is in their 60s was there.  They began to tell my friend and I the story of how they met, the challenges they faced, when they started dating and got married.  They are both wonderful Godly people and truly listened and waited for God's voice in the matter of who He would have each of them spend their life with.  The man talked about how he knew she was the one he would marry and how knowing that she loved the Lord was a huge part of that decision.  He encouraged my friend and I in regards to the future, to wait on God as He does have someone for each of us and He will represent us well.  

As I have observed may different relationships, some of which I consider to be healthy and some not so healthy, one thing that I notice that is the case with them all is that their lives don't have to be exciting everyday.  marriage is not exciting everyday and there may not be something new everyday but it is living life, the ordinary and the extraordinary, together with your best friend and soul mate.  This doesn't mean that you won't fight or have your differences, just like in any friendship, but it means that no matter what happens you are there for each other in the long run. I see such an image of God and Christ through relationships like this and I can't help but long for one.

I have experienced broken relationships with men who are not honouring to God and have little plans for a future for themselves and I know of a broken heart...but I also have seen and felt the great blessing of having companionship, even in the wrong timing, with the wrong person...I can't begin to imagine the immense blessing of fellowship and oneness with someone who is also one with my Lord and who shares my heart and desires.  

I cannot wait for this time when God decides, and brings that man into my life and sometimes I feel rather impatient about the whole thing as this longing for my best friend grows stronger, but I am determined to trust my father and wait on the great plans that He has for me.

The gloom of winter...

If there is one thing that I can’t bring myself to understand, it is how a place filled with sunlight and fall leaves can go from this to a full blown, frozen darkness overnight.  Where I am from, the first snow always seems to be light and fluffy; the grass is still green beneath it, the ground still soft and only a short while after it is as if it never snowed at all…. Where I am from winter seems so much more gradual and one can accommodate themselves to it.

            But here, when it starts snowing, it’s a blizzard, and massive snow drifts.   When it starts snowing here it is cold and windy and everything is covered and consumed overnight.  There is no time to say ‘good bye’ to the fall or to the sun; cold darkness seems to consume the entire place immediately.  There is no gradual change; it goes from warmth and sun to cold and dry with no state of transition. 

            Yesterday afternoon, I was walking in the sun and looking at the glowing fall leaves and kicking dirt as I dragged my feet and today the entirety of the ground is frozen solid and icy.  The leaves and grass are not just covered by flattened by the snow.  It is as if everything has been covered and suffocated; it is like some dark force has decided to take the joys and beauties of this world and wrap them in a cold and icy layer of darkness. 

I may sound slightly dramatic and summer-biased in my words right now but I just have this image in my head of this dark hand hovering over, and touching everything in its path with a sickly virus that spreads quickly to the core and this virus is not only over the things that I love (like trees and plants and dirt and grass and the sun etc.) but it is also falling heavily over me right now.

I have never liked winter or really cared for snow (other then on the odd occasion that I can appreciate it’s white sparkles gleaming in the sun)  but, I don’t ever remember feeling so consumed and overwhelmed by it’s darkness as I do right now.  Maybe this is just an early sign that I need some vitamin D!  I know and believe that God has created winter and snow with a purpose and that there is  beauty that lies within it but I am having great difficulty finding it and being thankful for it in these present moments of bitter nausea and deep rooted tears of dread.

the rocking chair

The other night I had a mandatory debrief meeting after a long day of classes and feeling sick.  I was clearly not in the mood to go to this meeting but knowing that I had to I walked over to the house that the meeting was going to take place in.  Upon arriving I had a seat in this cushioned, wooden rocking chair.  As the meeting progressed, it occurred to me just how relaxing and peaceful it was to be in this rocking chair; I had this amazing sense of serenity and as I sat there and peacefully rocked gently back and forth, I found more and more that there was a complete calmness upon me, in a sense, I could feel God's peace with me.  I then began to day dream and long for the hope of a future where I have a home of my own and am rocking my own small child in a wooden rocking chair quite similar to the one that I was so thoroughly enjoying in this house.  It's amazing how God loves us so much that He can use a simple inanimate object like a rocking chair to allow me to feel His peace and presence in a new way.  It was almost as if all of the worries and work and business around me and in my life ceased to exist while I sat there in that chair, as if God was there with me telling me not to worry because He is right there with me, comforting me and bringing me a much needed peace.

Ponderings of September 2011

So I have been back at school for ten days now; moved into a new dorm, new roommates, 2 weeks of new classes and since arriving here I have been flooded with so many different emotions and contemplations and have often thought about these many things that I could write a blog on and wanted to but as time did not permit, I was unable to at those times.  To trail back through a few of those thoughts and potential blogs, I have firstly been feeling the blessing and also strains of having changed dorms; away from some of my very closest friends and also away from the meal plan that I had for my first two years.  Although this has been a great way for God to continue to teach me and continue to show me more about what seems to be a big theme in my life lately, due to this very fact, it has also been quite challenging.  That theme and lesson is in regards to being still and quiet in Him.  I, although sometimes timid am a very social and outgoing person around those I am close to and am also someone who continuously gives of my time and energy to different people in need and organizations as well and at the end of last year I felt God telling me that this year I needed to learn to step back, relax and be still in Him.  Now being in this separate and also considered 'mature' housing has proven to be much more relaxing in some aspects but also at times tends to feel lonely in that fact that those close friends of mine are all continuing to have eachothers' time and company while I am in a whole other building missing out on those times.

Another thing that has been laid a bit heavy on my heart is my soon in hand decision as to where I am going to go on my main internship this summer.  As much as I could say there are certain places that I would love to go, I know that it is not so much about where I want to go as to where it is God would like me to serve and will be able to best use me and build me.

This year I am looking forward to seeing in what ways God will shape me and change me, in what ways He will prepare me and make me more who I am called to be.  There are so many things in my life right now that seem unanswered and I am just longing and crying out for answers but again, I need to remember the gift and power of just being silent in my God and listening.  Why should it be awkward or uncomfortable to just be in the presence of your God and Saviour; of the one who knows and loves you more and better than anyone or thing else does or ever could.  


I am so easily lead astray and needing to be reigned in once again but I am just thankful that when I do try to take control. God still has the lead in His hands and will pull back the reigns and calm me and bring me to again be still in Him.  


There are so many hurts and pains and so many questions left unanswered and sometimes there is nothing to say and nothing to do but weep in despair of the loss and confusion, but what we must see is that even when things like this happen and the unthinkable happens and you are left with nothing but shock in your heart, a ball in your throat and a twist in your stomach, GOD IS THERE and as these things happen, He does not always cause them and there is comfort, somehow, in knowing that He is sovereign and He is Good even when nothing else seems to be so.

the definition of solitude

so it has been only 5 days since leaving Asia (Mainland China and HongKong) and until yesterday evening, I didn't realize something that something has changed in my definition of solitude.  In my home town, one of my favourite places to go is a beautiful rock lookout which looks straight across the small lake in our town.  This lookout has been a place of refuge for me for many years and I so many great memories have been made there.  There is a beautiful stone sitting area and lookout up top surrounded by trees and the sound of birds and crickets and as you go down a small stair pathway you are on a huge rock cliff overlooking the calm and beautiful waters of a small Ontario lake.  I didn't really realize how much I have always felt like a part of this scenery and place when I am there until yesterday evening when I strangely did not feel this way.  After being in Asia for almost three months, where the solitude that you appreciate so much is maybe a park bench on a sunny day for a few moments with people walking by or a late night walk when the sun is down and there is the sound of cars driving by you but never is there true solitude and I didn't actually realize this until yesterday as I sat on the bare rock looking out at the lake and all I could see was nature and all I could hear was crickets.  It was a very strange feeling being there at this place where I had always felt like I blended in but instead feeling like i was sitting on top of a beautiful canvas painting and I jus didn't belong.  I was in awe of the complete solitude and peace around me and yet unsettled with it. It almost reminds me of the scene in 'Mary Poppins" when they jump into the chalk painting on the side walk.  The painting are so beautiful and smooth and peaceful and as they are walking down the streets and riding the mary-go-round and sitting at a table, they clearly are not a part of the scenery and they don't blend at all...in fact, they almost take away from the natural beauty of the nature around them...this is how I felt yesterday sitting on the rock...like I was sitting on a beautiful canvas painted by our creator and I was in awe at just how amazing His creation is and how unworthy I truly am of the many things He has created for me and all of His people to enjoy...  there are so few places like this anymore and one thing that came to my mind was the fact that when I am at home I never 'feel' God the way I do when I am travelling or away from this town but maybe thats because when I am away, in places where I can't see Him in the environment,  scenery and people around me so clearly, when He is beside me and around me, I can feel and see Him that much more clearly because He stands out but at home, where there is little distraction and so much peace and simplicity, He is that much more 'everywhere' and visible...so I don't really notice His presence as much....just as people would be less likely to see a stop sign if it was green (the same colour as the scenery around it) instead of red.  This has been a great lesson for me in appreciating God and the little things about His creation that I so ignorantly take advantage of...

Time moves while I stand still

 This is an exert from my other blog:

So today I am on the line between joy and agony.  This summer has been a long journey and I feel like although I have been so thankful for, and have been ravishing in the many great experiences and people I have met, I have also been walking in drudgery; dragging every foot along the path I am on trying to go backwards and back to before I left when really I should've been pressing forward even harder towards the end.  

     It's rather interesting that in fact this really became apparent to me this                  morning as I was reading my devotions.  This is what Oswald Chambers startlingly said this morning:

He Comes where He commands us to leave.  If you stayed home when God told you to go because you were so concerned about your own people there, then you actually robbed them of the teaching of Jesus Christ Himself.  When you obeyed and left all the consequences to God, the Lord went into your city to teach, but as long as you were disobedient, you blocked His way.  Watch where you begin to debate with Him and put what you call your duty into competition with His commands.  If you say: "I know that you told me to go, but my duty is here," it simply means that you do not believe that Jesus  means what He says.

This morning as I read this, it hit a note with me and caused me to reflect on the privilege of being obedient to God, even in the times where we don't want to and it would be so much easier not to.  Being in China and here in Hong Kong has been a great experience and the people I have met have touched my life in so many ways.  As my time here comes to a close, with only less than a week to go, I intend to remain obedient to my purpose and calling in being here and appreciate it for what it is and what it is not.  

Tonight, as I was looking through a friends facebook album and some of her summer events and experiences, I cam across some photos of her sister's high school graduation and I then remembered her and I talking about how much she wanted to come on this trip but that she also felt the necessity to be at her sister's graduation and as I remembered this, my heart melted for the fact that it was also my brother's highschool graduation that I missed this summer and I will never be able to get that back.  It is something that for so many years I have looked forward to being able to attend but will never be able to as that opportunity has now passed away...

I feel like I am missing out on a lot... even in my being here, in Hong Kong and when I was in China.  It's like i'm not really a part of anything at all and im not sure why I feel this way.  One of my best friends gave me her word about something today and passed it by to do something with some other people whom im sure she has been dying to be 'accepted' more with and as much as it is not a big deal at all and I could've joined them as well, it eats away at me to think that maybe she should've known...so i missed out on that opportunity...my little sister is learned to talk and getting to know everyone ..except me...my friend is getting married and I don't know that i'll be able to support her while another best friend of mine is about to have a baby without any close family to be there for her and as much as I am struggling to be able to get there...something is going to be left somewhere along the lines....my family, the wedding, the birth of my best friends child, or something else...

I feel like time is moving by and Im somehow not a part of it...I understand that time goes on with or without me and that life goes on and stories happen in my home town and in the lives of those I love even when I am not there to know or participate in them and even when I only hear later through a friend but this whole process makes me feel even more like a bystander in my own life ...like I am standing still while everything around me is moving soo quickly..or maybe I am moving too quickly while everything around me is standing still...either way...I feel like I can't find my ground or something to hold onto and I just can't catch up to any of the flows that are travelling past me in any direction...  I am lost!

the true identity of a turtle...

There are many horrible feelings that exist and many that can far surpass the one that I am about to discuss but one of the most disappointing feelings that one can experience is not being known, even amongst a group of people that you have known (or been acquainted with) for quite some time.


For those who know me well, they know me as someone who is very outgoing, sometimes a bit spazzy, passionate, loving, bold, maybe even a bit too dominate at times but also sometimes very deep and internal.  My heart breaks at injustices and my passions lead to great debates and controversial conversations.  I am spontaneous, but very structured and organized, I am adventurous and a bit of an adrenaline junky but am very fearful of some of the challenges that I place before myself to overcome.  I am almost always willing to go out of my way to help, talk with, and be there for those i love and care about (maybe even more than what i should be at times) but also overwhelm myself with the many many things that I 'sign up' to do.  I love to be busy but I make myself so busy that I almost forget to breath!  I love culture, language, travelling, doing new things, meeting new people and my heart breaks for the suffering and emptiness of mankind...


Now for those who don't truly know me, they see me as a very quiet, awkward, shy, withheld individual who occasionally says some awkward , unwarranted comment along the side.  They see me as someone with very little passion and zest and with little personality at all.


For my friends and family who know me well, they are always very surprised to see just how quiet and withheld i become amongst those I do not know well or in new situations and when someone first meets me they are quite surprised (later) to see how different I actually am compared with their first 'shy' impression of me.


I am not one hundred percent sure why it takes me so long to truly open up and be myself.  I feel kind of like a turtle who only pokes his head out (slowly) once he knows for sure it is safe to do so and sometimes, with some people or in some places, it never does feel safe.  I guess it may be a privilege to know the deeper layer of me, past the quiet outer composure but the worst feeling is when you are stuck inside your shell for an extended amount of time.  It feels almost like a prison.  I may have moments with certain people where I extend my head and heart out of that shell but just as quickly I am stuck back inside that claustrophobic, stuffy, dark shell unable to breath because the most important and vibrant parts of who I am are being tucked away and hidden from everyone around me.


It is so sad when you have people who have known you for so long thinking that you are this quiet, totally submissive little girl when in reality being submissive is something that you have struggled with and wish you could be a little bit more of.  I am so thankful for those friends I have that become like an oasis where I can come out, even if just temporarily, to breath and open up as it is such a lonely feeling being stuck inside yourself...